The Ending of a Friendship

Well, I did what was best for me.

I realized that I was very entangled in Robert's life, relationship, etc. I was frustrated about wht he was doing, and trying to be a good friend to someone who didn't want a good friend. I was wearing myself out.

First, I don't trust Robert. I have to say/write that out loud. He has shown me that he gets off on denigrating people. The way he talked about Toby showed me that he had no regard for his feelings. He called Toby a friend, but what kind of friend is Robert that he talks about Toby the way he does?

Second, Amelia is out to use him. Okay, that's a guess, but she's doing so many of the charmer/abuser routine stuff I have to wonder. The sex has been hot, heavy and kinky. She said she'd wear his collar. (She's into the whole domination-submission thing.) She's said she wants a relationship and is ready to move to Atlanta. All that in two fucking months? Give me a break. She's setting him up.

Third, he and Amelia don't seem to understand the boundaries in a friendship. Amelia tells him what Toby says to his girlfriend, children, ex-wife and her parents. She tells Robert everything they discuss and what she overhears. Robert then tells me. What I get from their actions (besides that their children) is that neight of them have a shred of respect for Toby. They don't understand that what they convey to me is he means nothing to either of them. Robert doesn't see that she's driving a wedge between him and Toby.

Fourth, I knew Robert didn't have any empathy for Nathaniel and that whole situation. What i didn't realize is that he doesn't have any empathy at all. He cannot understand why Toby might be hurt because Amelia is dating Robert. When they were dating she was wearing his collar and they purchased a vehicle together. Those are signs that the relationship had been thought of as permanent at one time.

Fifth, I didn't know that Robert will twist things to justify why he should get his way. He will ignore other people's feeling and sacrifce friendships it if means he gets his way. That doesn't say much for the type of friend he is to people. What kind of friend he is to me. He sees what he wants to see; and knows what he wants to know. He doesn't give a damn what the truth is.

Amelia is using him. She's setting him up and I can see it. She doesn't wnt to drive trucks anymore, but she also doesn't want to get a job anywhere else. Robert will take care of her. She knows this because he told her he was done it in the past. That means he will do it again.

I have talked to people about what he's done this week, and how all the weird behavior seemed to get worse after I went out on a date with someone. He wanted me to talk to Amelia so she could verify that he respected me. I told him that I didn't need her to verify how he felt. The the next day he sent me a picture of her. I was just utterly done. I was trying to maintain a friendship with someone who wasn't being a friend.

Another strange thing is he was going to let me go to Orlando with him. He hadn't wanted me to go because he didn't want his grandchildren to be confused, but now I can stay in the same condo with them. Odd.

So, that's all gone and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I may talk to him sometime next year. I know I don't want to talk to him now.

Losses That Aren't A Bad Thing

This has been a very strange week. In a way it was more stressful than last week.

I have put my friendship with Robert on hiatus. There are things going on in his life that I was becoming entangled with and I don't want that.

He's seeing someone that I think could be a charmer/abuser. She is the ex-girlfriend of a friend of his. He has chosen to date her despite his friend's discomfort. His friend said he was okay with it, but his actions indicate that he's not. Robert has chosen to overlook those actions and blame the friend for not being honest. In reality he's seeking a way to justify his choice of crossing a line, disrespecting a friend, and risk the loss of that friendship. It seems the woman matters more to him than the friend. He has been friends with this person for over five years.

The woman is moving at a very fast pace. They started talking on a romantic level at the end of August. She has offered to wear his collar (she's into the dom-sub thing) and would quit her job driving team with this friend and move to ATL. She is displaying many characteristics of a charmer/abuser and Robert is ignoring all the warning flags and caution signs.

I had to back off. I will not care about something more than he does. I also have to accept the fact that he thrives on drama and welcomes it. He will choose unhealthy choices rather than healthy ones. He wants to be loved or feel loved and will sacrifice his happiness to feel that. No matter how unreal the feeling is.

The whole thing came to a head after I had a date with a guy I am not going to go out with again. He is nice but we have vastly different views on life. He doesn't think men and women can be friends. Basically what he told me is that if there's no sex he doesn't find that women have a purpose. Not the ideal partner for me.

Crazy week but I made all healthy choices! I was very good to myself! YEA!

Sunday Musings

Today was nice and lazy. I didn't do anything. Mom just teased me about her cleaning the kitchen this morning after breakfast. I usually clean when she cooks and she cleans when I cook. Today I'll be cleaning after having cooked dinner.

I have been thinking about Robert and my feelings over his dating. I'm not jealous, and I don't want him, but the emotional part of me wonders what's wrong with me that he didn't want me. Now, I KNOW he wasn't emotionally healthy then. I know that he is very different than I am. I know we are a poor match. Yet, the emotional (illogical) side of me wonders am I so broken.

The logical me knows that he has so much emotional baggage I could not put up with him. I'm not that physically attracted to him. The sex was not good. That part has no questions or regrets. The emotional side of me is just feeling scared and vulnerable. I recognize it for what it is, but DAMN!

I missed Donna's wedding and couldn't find the address for the reception. I wish I had looked at the invitation Friday instead of at 3pm Saturday. Boy, did I feel like a first class idiot!

This week at work will be hectic as usual as I finish projects and make sure the MOU is in place with MPD. I'll be in charge of monitoring that MOU. Fun! NOT! So far I am only responsible for the MPD MOU and the NAI purchase order. Who knows what the future may hold.

I have signed up to become a penpal to a soldier. I'm trying it again. Hopefully I'll get someone who responds.

Life is What Happens When You're Making Plans

This week has been difficult. I'm behind on deadlines at work. I'm still playing catch up after having the flu. It's the end of the fiscal year and we're closing purchase orders and deobligating money so we can use it to spend in other places. I've had the customers from hell all week. I'm just glad that week has ended.

I went to the hematologist Wednesday. I may have cancer. A specific kind of slow growing cancer that they don't treat until you become really symptomatic. I know I can't do anything about it, and that I don't know anything for certain. BUT I am worried and anxious. I know that won't help or change anything. Most of the time I just try not to think about it. 

Robert and Amelia will spend the weekend together. I am happy for him. He deserves someone who loves him for who he is. I don't know if it will last. They are both emotionally attached to each other in two weeks. I know a lot about codependent behavior (unfortunately). They are both codep.

Robert was going on about how understanding Amelia is, and how wonderful she is. I teased him about how he didn't want me when we first reconnected. Okay, that's not a fair statement. He really wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. He couldn't just say he wasn't ready for a relationship. He would say things like "I'm doing me" as if that were a code I understand.

I teased him saying he wasn't attracted me and that's why we're friends. That's not the only reason we're friends, but it is the one I could tease him about. Then he got really offended and upset. He kept saying that he never said those words. Well, no he didn't but his actions sure said a whole lot. I kept telling him there's nothing wrong with that, but he was really upset.

Anyway, he feels he is ready for one now. That's the bottom line. I hope it all works out the way they want it to.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I might have cancer. I am afraid that I might have to have chemo this year. I am afraid that I might die. I am afraid.