This week has been difficult. I'm behind on deadlines at work. I'm still playing catch up after having the flu. It's the end of the fiscal year and we're closing purchase orders and deobligating money so we can use it to spend in other places. I've had the customers from hell all week. I'm just glad that week has ended.
I went to the hematologist Wednesday. I may have cancer. A specific kind of slow growing cancer that they don't treat until you become really symptomatic. I know I can't do anything about it, and that I don't know anything for certain. BUT I am worried and anxious. I know that won't help or change anything. Most of the time I just try not to think about it.
Robert and Amelia will spend the weekend together. I am happy for him. He deserves someone who loves him for who he is. I don't know if it will last. They are both emotionally attached to each other in two weeks. I know a lot about codependent behavior (unfortunately). They are both codep.
Robert was going on about how understanding Amelia is, and how wonderful she is. I teased him about how he didn't want me when we first reconnected. Okay, that's not a fair statement. He really wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. He couldn't just say he wasn't ready for a relationship. He would say things like "I'm doing me" as if that were a code I understand.
I teased him saying he wasn't attracted me and that's why we're friends. That's not the only reason we're friends, but it is the one I could tease him about. Then he got really offended and upset. He kept saying that he never said those words. Well, no he didn't but his actions sure said a whole lot. I kept telling him there's nothing wrong with that, but he was really upset.
Anyway, he feels he is ready for one now. That's the bottom line. I hope it all works out the way they want it to.
I am afraid. I am afraid that I might have cancer. I am afraid that I might have to have chemo this year. I am afraid that I might die. I am afraid.
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