Sunday Musings

Today was nice and lazy. I didn't do anything. Mom just teased me about her cleaning the kitchen this morning after breakfast. I usually clean when she cooks and she cleans when I cook. Today I'll be cleaning after having cooked dinner.

I have been thinking about Robert and my feelings over his dating. I'm not jealous, and I don't want him, but the emotional part of me wonders what's wrong with me that he didn't want me. Now, I KNOW he wasn't emotionally healthy then. I know that he is very different than I am. I know we are a poor match. Yet, the emotional (illogical) side of me wonders am I so broken.

The logical me knows that he has so much emotional baggage I could not put up with him. I'm not that physically attracted to him. The sex was not good. That part has no questions or regrets. The emotional side of me is just feeling scared and vulnerable. I recognize it for what it is, but DAMN!

I missed Donna's wedding and couldn't find the address for the reception. I wish I had looked at the invitation Friday instead of at 3pm Saturday. Boy, did I feel like a first class idiot!

This week at work will be hectic as usual as I finish projects and make sure the MOU is in place with MPD. I'll be in charge of monitoring that MOU. Fun! NOT! So far I am only responsible for the MPD MOU and the NAI purchase order. Who knows what the future may hold.

I have signed up to become a penpal to a soldier. I'm trying it again. Hopefully I'll get someone who responds.

Life is What Happens When You're Making Plans

This week has been difficult. I'm behind on deadlines at work. I'm still playing catch up after having the flu. It's the end of the fiscal year and we're closing purchase orders and deobligating money so we can use it to spend in other places. I've had the customers from hell all week. I'm just glad that week has ended.

I went to the hematologist Wednesday. I may have cancer. A specific kind of slow growing cancer that they don't treat until you become really symptomatic. I know I can't do anything about it, and that I don't know anything for certain. BUT I am worried and anxious. I know that won't help or change anything. Most of the time I just try not to think about it. 

Robert and Amelia will spend the weekend together. I am happy for him. He deserves someone who loves him for who he is. I don't know if it will last. They are both emotionally attached to each other in two weeks. I know a lot about codependent behavior (unfortunately). They are both codep.

Robert was going on about how understanding Amelia is, and how wonderful she is. I teased him about how he didn't want me when we first reconnected. Okay, that's not a fair statement. He really wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. He couldn't just say he wasn't ready for a relationship. He would say things like "I'm doing me" as if that were a code I understand.

I teased him saying he wasn't attracted me and that's why we're friends. That's not the only reason we're friends, but it is the one I could tease him about. Then he got really offended and upset. He kept saying that he never said those words. Well, no he didn't but his actions sure said a whole lot. I kept telling him there's nothing wrong with that, but he was really upset.

Anyway, he feels he is ready for one now. That's the bottom line. I hope it all works out the way they want it to.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I might have cancer. I am afraid that I might have to have chemo this year. I am afraid that I might die. I am afraid.